Birthday Blues

No Comments

137787I found myself crying for some reason while preparing the ingredients of our dinner today. Was it the onion? Definitely NO, if I am a girl of many talents, cutting onion without crying is one of them. But I guess I have an idea – my birthday is coming so soon! Yeah, for real, I get very emotional when my birthday is coming. I don’t know, that is why I am asking myself why? What’s up with my birthday? Do I want something on my birthday? No, I am not that material girl or a childish person that wants present every birthday. I grew up with nothing and I am used to have no birthday celebration since my dad died.

Now this post is making me cry again coz I remembering the very last, vivid and only memory of my birthday with my dad. It was raining, yes it’s always raining on that month. I remember my dad brought home a rain boot as my present, I was so happy and very excited to go out and walk it through the muddy street where I used to then ride in his singe motorcycle. My brothers in front of my dad, then me behind him then my mom and my baby sister behind me, all six of us. Don’t ask me how we fit in there, we just did. I remember heading to my cousin’s house which birthday is just after mine and we used to celebrate together in my other cousins’ house. That’s the only birthday I remembered with him and when he died, I never had any party anymore.  Or maybe there’s some simple celebration with my grandma or aunt where I lived with when my dad died. Maybe they prepared me something during my birthday or give me presents but honestly, I don’t know if I just don’t remember or there just isn’t any coz the next birthday I remember after  was when I turned 18.

It was midterm, 1st year college. Nobody knew it was my birthday, we were all busy answering our test papers. I was trying to concentrate more on my test papers rather than concentrating on thinking how pathetic I was on my very special day. My 18th birthday, my debut, where I should be wearing a fancy dress, having a party, dancing with my 18 roses and listening to every greetings of my 18 candles, opening 18 gifts like other 18th birthday celebrators I knew did when they turned 18. Then I finally realized, I am not like them. I don’t have my dad anymore that used to give me a “Happy” Birthday! We can barely buy food to put on our table three times a day, very ambitious of me to dream of such fancy birthday. Then I finally came up to my senses, my friend Rose pulled me out of the road and told me I almost got hit by the tricycle thats passing through. Wow! I didn’t even know I was close to my house already. Good thing my friend commuted home with me, if not, maybe my 18th birthday will be a tragedy. Oh well, I’m still a lucky human being I guess coz aside from my friend saved my life, I went home with a family waiting for me. I saw a banner made of manila paper with HAPPY BIRTHDAY written with crayon and some drawings of my brothers for me. They are very creative , they even turned our meal (rice and small fried mackerel) into a pretend cake with candles, sang me a happy birthday song and made me pretend blow the candle (small mackerel sticking on top of the rice).They tried, it was a touching moment but I’m still sad. And that’s how my 18th birthday was. After that night, I promised to myself that once I get a job, I will definitely throw myself a party.  So I did!

It was my 19th birthday, 2nd year college when I finally had my first “official” job in this fast food chain. I threw myself a party, I invited most of my classmates in college, my aunt cooked for me, bought alcoholic beverages (18 years old is the legal age in the Philippines to drink, so yey!) and had so much fun! It was unforgettable, my very first party since my dad died.

My  20-28th birthday celebrations was with my boyfriend (my husband now) . We both have the same birth month so we celebrated together, invited our common friends and again, had so much fun! My 28th birthday was kind of different. We were in two different sides of the world, he celebrated his with friends here in US and I celebrated mine in the Philippines. First with my girl friends, we ate out, had cake and lots of laughters and gifts! Then had another party at my cousins, after long long years, there I was celebrating it again with my cousin that I used to celebrate birthdays with when we were young. That was one wonderful party!

After my 19th birthday, I dreamt of having my 30th birthday celebrated in this food chain where most kids celebrate their birthdays. Yeah, youre right -it’s a kids party. Where theres party hats, cake and ice cream, mascot, party host and lots of foods,  games and goodies I never had when I was a kid. That didn’t happen but God gave me a bigger and better blessing -moving here in US! I was able to celebrate my 3oth birthday in a different way to thank the Lord for my 30th year of existence in this world and shout out to everybody how blessed I am. I hosted an online giveaway to celebrate it with my blogger friends. I had a “YELLOW” themed party with our new family anf friends in Arkansas, I have this very pretty dream come true “TWEETY BIRD” cake made by a talented friend. And lots and lots of presents I’ve ever had in my life  from different countries aside from US,  SG, Japan and Philippines! It was a blast and I am overly HAPPY!

Then I turned 31. I was thinking, I was satisfied with my 30th birthday and I think I am not going to have any more party or atleast wait for another milestone – my 40th. But it’s my husband’s turn that year,  it’s his 30th birthday so I threw him a supposedly “surprised” Star craft theme party but he has to know about it the day before the celebration because he needs to help me preparing haha! It was another fun filled party!

Last year I turned 32 and my husband 31. We didn’t plan on having a party but since we just moved to our new house, might as well have our “first birthday” in it. We had “Beer-Ger Party” , a burger party with beers! We had lots of visitors and lots of gifts. It was a very nice celebration, we really did party hard. I think most of us got pretty drunk!

So after reminiscing all those happy moments, I am again asking myself, why the birthday blues? Is it because my husband doesn’t wanna have a party this year? I can always have another party when I get back to work.  Do I want a present? I can buy myself something, oh wait, I don’t have any money. Do I have something I feel like I haven’t accomplished at this age? Hmmm…aside from a tattoo? Nothing else.  I can’t figure it out. I’m just having this very sad feeling that I can’t get out of my system. I am convincing myself theres nothing to be sad about so I am hoping this will go away soon!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *