I feel so frustrated and feeling so down lately. Why? Because I feel so worthless and useless.

When I was younger (college) I feel so DOMINANT, I feel like everybody is depending on me, it’s hard but I like that feeling. I feel so USEFUL.  I feel like every hardship I made is all worth it.

I grew up with nothing  when my father died. My mom is not that big earner as my father used to be when he was still alive. So I lived with my Grannies (mom side) in  province since I was 10 till I finished high school.

When I need things, I have to work  for them before I was able to get them. It’s really hard for me but as I grew older, I find it so easy already. Working, like doing others projects is not that hard, but I often heard my Auntie saying “matulog ka na sayang ang kuryente” and so I am turning off the light and using a gas lamp. Maybe that’s why I had a poor eyesight.

Some sideline work I used to do then was, washing others clothes for 30 pesos, ironing clothes of one of my teacher in high school for 100 I guess, and during summer when there are times that I can’t go to Manila for a vacation because we don’t have enough money, I applied once in a canteen and served as dishwasher for I don’t remember how much per day. I was in grade six that time. I feel so lucky that there are some teachers there voluntarily sponsoring some of my needs like my computer fees that is only 150 per month and we can’t even provide it. I will not forget that principal (Mr. Daquioag, thank you!). I am also lucky that I am winning some contests and be able to earn cash. I also won’t forget Mr. Vizcarra, my adviser during 4th year I became his student assistant in return he sponsored my tuition fees, etc.

I miss those old days, those were truly unforgettable.

College days was the hardest.

Working student is not that easy coz  I am not just working for myself  but for my family as well.

I worked as a crew in some Jollibee and Greenwich stores  from first year to 3rd year. I supposed to work still in my fourth year but I was  fully loaded (OJT and 29 units!) and I am so thankful to my boyfriend (husband now) who helped me financially by sharing his allowance to me ;). As an additional help, I asked my bf’s mom (my inlaw now) to iron their clothes during weekends and she agreed. In that way, I graduated in college with the degree of AB Psychology. Got a job and finally helped my brother finished his school. But I did not do it alone. My husband is my partner. He is such a great partner in life. And so now I feel so worthless because I can’t help him in our finances.

My face is so THICK already. I’ve done so many things just to earn money. I disregarded pride. How come I can’t able to earn right now??

I am always saying that it’s because I am a MOM already, that I can’t able to leave them because of this and that. I chose to become a part time realtor and it was helping. But I lie low because of some reasons. I don’t know myself already. I can’t figure it out right now. I wanted to work of course, but on the other hand I wanted to be with my kids most of the time needed. I am afraid that, what if there’s a program in their school? who’s gonna be there to watch them esp now that their daddy is not here?? How can we able to attend to some of their needs if I am committed to something else?

Hope someone could understand what I am saying right now…