When I was younger ever since my father died, I never grew up asking money form my mother even from my lolo and lola when I stayed there with them in Ilocos Norte. I am so independent. I am not asking even for baon nor projects. Most of them were coming from my own “diskarte”. I am not saying I am not accepting any help from anyone, of course I am but I am not forcing them to give me. I love accepting blessings for other people it’s just that I am not expecting from them. When I was in elementary I know my grand parents can’t provide anything I need so I tried working for myself. I experienced fishing with my lesbian aunt, waking up so early in the morning before the sun sets. I also experienced washing clothes from my relatives and sometimes ironing clothes of one of the teacher  I know. Until I got in high school, I’m still doing such things. I am not ashamed coz I really need to do such things If I want to have money and buy what I want. My favorite sideline was doing others’ projects. Some of the students in our school doesn’t want to do their projects so I am offering my talent for a little amount of money in exchange. There were times I wasn’t sleeping just to finish them and give them back to my clients before the deadline.

And even when I was in  College, I decided to go back home in Manila and study there. But since my mother is not earning that big to finance my studies, I decided to work while studying again. Good thing there were part time jobs for students like me.  In my situation back then, it’s really hard for me that time coz aside from financing yourself, you still have to help your family. I have a brother who just finished high school and like me, he also wants to go to college but he can’t do working while studying. So I am the one paying his tuition fee while my Mom in his allowances. Sadly he didn’t pursue his studies coz he thought I was having a hard time working and financing two college students.  So my brother stopped studying and chose to work as crew like me in jollibee and greenwhich stores. After a year, my other brother decided to go back to school after 4-5 years of being stopped. So he’s back in 2nd year high school at the age of 19 with my help of everything he needs. From uniforms, shoes, bags, school stuff, tuition and baon. Even when I got married, I still continued helping my mom to finance him in College (thanks to my very understanding husband) So now,  I am so proud to say that he had a BSHRM degree already last year except for the part that he still has no work. =P I’m sure he will have soon!

What I am trying to say here is that, I never grew up asking any support from anybody. I can earn on my own if I want to and If I only could. When I got pregnant I am still working. I don’t want to ask money every time I need to buy this and that. After giving birth I didn’t wait for a month to go back to work. I already spent 20 days resting tehn go back to work. Why? Because I love earning my own money. Even it was a small amount of money, I am so happy to buy fruits/foods in the market on my way home from work, I so love using my money and not asking from anybody. When I was younger, I honestly not dreaming for a husband, I just love to have kids  and support them on my own. But it’s not what happened coz I fell in love with my husband and I can’t live without him even if I do have kids. Those words I said before is just a words of a girl who never felt real love yet.

When I got pregnant to my son Ethan, I was so depressed that time for I have problems in my pregnancy so I have to stop working.  Have you felt that way? Do you know the feeling of earning money ever since and never asked help financially from anybody? And then suddenly, I have to stop and no more income already? Is anybody there knows the feeling? It’s so devastating, depressive and I feel so offended. Yeah I feel so offended when I was just at home waiting for my husband’s salary but the truth is I am not the one budgeting that time (that’s our deal). We’re holding our own salary and we’re assigned into different expenses.  So in our case, I was just listing what we need to buy every pay day then he’s giving me the money.  And the depressive part is that, I don’t have any contribution. =((

When I finally gave birth to Ethan, I was so attached to my son that time because I was breastfeeding him. I breast fed him for two years. I tried to stop breastfeeding him when he reach 1 year old so I could find a job but I can’t. I can’t leave him. Unlike during Ishi’s time, I was just pumping at the office and putting it in the fridge so she could still have my milk even I was working.

Ethan’s time is so different. I was struggling between going back to work and taking care of my kids. That’s the hardest part of being  a mom. We were so financially unstable that time and I was so pressured. My husband’s salary is not enough and I can see how stressed he was already but I am not doing anything. I feel so offended when he’s asking me to work already as if I don’t want to work. I hate staying at home and can’t even buy my undies. I hate staying at home and craving for the foods I wanted to eat but I can’t buy them! I hate staying at home wanting to bring my kids to the park but I can’t coz I don’t have my own money. I hate staying at home and can’t do things I wanted to do! I hate it when I am asking for money for I feel like I am a beggar and like an impotent! Helpless! Pitiful! Weak! Useless!

You have no idea how hard it is for me! Thank God, God gave me an idea of real estate. I really wanted to work but I wanted to take care of my kids at the same time so I started learning how to sell house and lots. So finally I have an income already. I was so proud of myself earning bigger that what I am expecting as a part timer and full time mom. But in real estate, you can’t earn big if you don’t work hard. Since I was only a part timer, I am not expecting big income. Now that husband is abroad, can’t go out during weekends for I have to take care of my kids. I am only available during weekdays afternoon, I am still willing to sell house and lots it’s just that, time is so limited. I can meet them anytime during weekdays but sadly most of the clients chooses weekends.

So I feel so doomed again! Husband is not here. No work. No Money so No Leisure! Boring and depressive!  I have money but it’s not mine, it’s my husband’s and I don’t wanna use his money for my personal needs. I can buy things by my own.  If  he wants to buy things for me then I will wholeheartedly accept it! But as much as possible, if I wanted to buy clothes, shoes, go out with friends, have fun, I wanted to spent my own money. But since I don’t have income, though I still have money, I feel like I was a beggar again. A beggar who can’t eat if no one’s giving her money to buy food. A beggar who needs to beg first. I don’t like that feeling. I hate asking esp. money. I can accept money if you’re giving it with all your heart .  I don’t want to compute anything I spent. I wanted to spent money without worrying. How I wish I could sell again or how I wish I could have a job already.

I have a secret to share….Did you know that I am actually afraid to live in US coz I am worried not to have work there. How could I possibly work If I have little kids to take care of? If I could only not think about them and just think of money, I am sure I could easily leave them in somebody’s hand. But I am more willing to be with them than to spend my time working. But I really need to work so I have to do and think of something I could do like what I am doing here in the Philippines.  Oh God please help me overcome my anxieties. God bless me Oh Lord and give me a work if ever I go there! I promise to accept any kind of work just to earn my own money.